LIKE any type of completely healthy first-world person along with absolutely nothing to stress over, I worry.
I'm not claiming I'm a hypochondriac, but my physician tries to avoid me by answering the phone:' Domino's Pizza.' Take a vacation, you claim, yet they worry me, so I was interested to hear about breaks where as opposed to sightseeing and tour, you take a long quest to the facility of your soul.
These self-improvement lock-ins have frightening labels such as Date With Destiny (a vacation course in Palm Springs) and Life Mastery (in Fiji).
I need something called Stop Studying Freckle And Start Writing Screenplay (my existing fixations) yet couldn't discover it, so I scheduled Unleash The Power Within, based on the pull-your-finger-out bestseller Unleash The Giant Within, yet theoretically renamed after a person unleashed an ogre.
Tony claims his events teach you to quadruple your income, even read minds.
But in four days? I was curious, so I tracked Tony down to a roof where he was taping TV links, spreading his Take Action message on VH1.
He was disarmingly nice, but was he genuine?
Like previous messiahs, Tony might have the sandals and the absent father, but unlike previous messiahs he is a multimillionaire.
'I keep doing it because I love to see people remember who they are,' he said, which is Californian for 'cheer up', roughly. 'The first time President Clinton called, it was the middle of the night, he had the lowest ratings in decades, he was through the floor. He sent a jet to fly me to Camp David right then.' Did Tony find him naked, covered in butter and licking the Nuclear Button? 'Let's just say I taught him strategies.' Strategies that must work, because Tony bought the swish Fijian resort of Namale as Life Mastery HQ and runs courses there costing around pound sterling3,000.
Namale is open as a luxury resort between Life Mastering sessions, so guests can relax in the spa alongside the likes of Robert Redford or Martin Sheen.
And so it was that I found myself in the basement of the Hyatt Dallas Fort Worth with, deep in the heart of the self-betterment beast: 2,000 people waiting for Tony, T-shirts ironed, clear braces Melbourne on thirtysomething teeth.
DISCO thundered. The crowd pogoed. At last Tony Robbins exploded on to the stage.
Everyone lost it completely. Tony had already unleashed his giant: he was 6ft 7in, preposterously handsome, a statue of David in Gap. The lifechanging, income-quadrupling mind-reader was impressive, but I wished the stupid white people would stop clapping out of beat.
'You're thinking, I wish these stupid white people would stop clapping out of beat,' said Tony, amicably.
OK, he'd got me. I was in Texas and could have been line-dancing, but Unleash The Power - cost: pound sterling460 to pound sterling1,050 depending on where you sit - wasn't far off. 'Three hugs!' Tony bellowed. Strangers grabbed each other and squeezed. A woman in a 'Catholic Power' T-shirt gripped me like a released hostage. It was excruciating, but very touching. As the firewalk approached, I snuck to my room to rub barrier cream on my feet. Too late, I realised I was basting them. I came down to find the room dark, thousands of bodies on the floor. He'd killed them all. Oh, he was teaching us about getting In State.
Being In State would stop us getting burnt. So would going home, I thought, but as Tony cranked up the positive music and 2,000 people, aching, officetired, morbidly obese, leapt up shouting that they could do anything, I couldn't help but be moved.
And suddenly we were out of our shoes and socks, marching outside to the waiting fires. In the Hyatt's lobby, businessmen stared sadly as 2,000 barefoot people danced past high-fiving each other.
Outside in the dark I could hear the coals hissing in the damp Dallas air. I knew if I was in a Peak State I wouldn't feel pain. The trouble was, I seemed to be in an About To Walk Across Ten Feet Of Burning Coals state. And then someone pushed me. Help! But then I was on the other side and into the cooling puddle. I'd done it. I was no longer a hypochondriac. I looked at my feet, which had gone white. The whole soles were giant blisters. By the next morning I'd have feet like nachos.
'You've burnt my feet,' I mewled to a helper. 'I want to see a doctor.' Two minutes later I was in the Wellness Room, cursing myself for not wearing one of those medical bracelets with your blood type. Then I looked at my feet.
They were back to normal, they'd just been cold standing in the puddle.
Next morning I pulled my finger out.
'Start your day with 12 good morning hugs!' yelled Tony. I seized the Catholic, who jumped out of her skin. And we were off. Some of the weekend was sideshow, but a lot of it worked. We shouted our Limiting Beliefs at each other with our fingers up our noses.
Mysteriously, whenever I find a reason for not doing something now, I feel stupid.
Mind Reading was more hit-and-miss, based on mirroring people until you worked out what they were feeling. For fun, I mirrored the gestures of a grumpy man behind me. Subconsciously, his face relaxed and he leant in to chat. Not bad.
Next morning we were back in our chairs contemplating what would happen if we didn't Take Massive Action.
'Visualise that person who said 'I'll do it later!' in 20 years. Look at their house.
Their career. See the light go out in their eyes.' A strange malaise spread. 'Close your eyes,' said Tony. I took this as a cue to get a good look round. Some people were sobbing. A young man wailed histrionically and thumped his chest.
His future self had gone and landed him the lead in Queen The Musical.
AND so 2,000 people charged home to Take Action. I witnessed some of the oddest human behaviour yet, but it left people out of their minds with optimism.
I felt 70 per cent less neurotic than I'd been when I'd arrived, and knew I would never get hugged by that many people again.
On my way out I passed a stall selling 'electronic' pendants to ward off evil - sorry, radio waves. I asked a girl who'd shelled out for one if she felt silly.
'No! I had my first good night's sleep in years.' But you'd been jumping up and down for 14 hours. 'Does it matter?' I'd like to see that used in corporate law: 'New Diazepam 50-50 - half placebos, half real sleeping tablets. Who cares! You're asleep, aren't you?' But she was right. Damn, the secret of successful living really was in your mind.
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